Disclaimer: The words from The OutCats included in this article are translated from Cat Speak. Some may not always be direct translations.
A week or so ago a shady group called The OutCats sabotaged the social feeds of PONOS – the studio who created mobile game The Battle Cats.
The Cats responsible were Stealth Cat, Sick Cat, and Trash Cat. Now, their demands to join The Battle Cats have been met, in part – with one of them being allowed to join The Battle Cats in spring 2024.
Every The Battle Cats player can choose who gets admitted via a public vote, held between now and December 3rd.
We’ve managed to corner the three felines to chat about the morality of their decision to sabotage PONOS, whether Trash Cat is simply too stinky a character to interview, and the benefits of light calisthenics.
Do you think the ends – getting voted into the game – justify the means?
Trash Cat: The fact is its not only the three of us who have been cast aside without any fair consideration simply because of small flaws in our basic being. Hundreds of Cats have been rejected by PONOS unfairly, and we have been forced to resort to these extreme measures to draw attention to our plight. We hope that this is just the beginning of an ongoing campaign for justice for ALL CATS regardless of ability or degree of hygiene.
Interviewer (suggested): I’m sorry, what was that? I had to fix my gas mask. No offense, but your smell really is quite… distracting.
So wait, what other Cats are out there you think also deserve justice? Can you name any names…or give vague descriptions at least?
Trash Cat: We’ve heard about too many disqualifying factors to count; “too old”, “too slow”, “too evil”, “not even a Cat”… that last one really gets us. How can you open your ranks to a squad of sexy space ladies or adorable cosmic elementals after you’ve rejected actual Cats like us on some thin pretext about “quality” or “talent”?
What will you do if you don’t win? Will you just start the whole criminal process all over again?
Stealth Cat: This is only the tip of the iceberg for what we have planned for PONOS if they keep not taking us seriously. We are the face of a much larger group of elite Cat operatives with years of training, who have infiltrated PONOS at every level.
Sick Cat: With our powers combined, we could have the entire Cat Empire at our mercy with the twitch of a whisker! We might look like a group of weaklings with one paw in the grave, but we are committed to earning our place in the Cat Army through our own strength.
Through your own strength…but also by hacking social media feeds? Doesn’t seem like real strength to me?
Sick Cat: OH! OHHHH! It’s sure easy to criticize us from your ivory tower of media, but the reality is that no matter how much we prove our usefulness, we won’t get anywhere if no one bothers to take notice. Well, everyone has taken notice of us now! Hahahaha-hhhcuh cuhh cuhh!!!
I’ll give you a moment to get that out Sick Cat…Trash Cat, why don’t you live somewhere other than a trash can? Like a room share with the other OutCats, for example?
Trash Cat: Well, that query requires a more nuanced answer than one might expect…
Sick Cat: We tried it, and Trashy here was just too ripe. Have you ever had a roommate who refuses to clean the week-old sardine juice from his fur?
Trash Cat: Anyhow, living in this can more befits my role as the voice of the many poor Cats who have been unfairly discarded like so much garbage.
Stealth Cat, your slogan is “Stealth Equals Wealth” – but can you explain this a little further?
Stealth Cat: If you’re planning to snatch 100 million cans of Cat Food away from the greedy Ubers at the top of the Cat Army, you can’t exactly stroll in through the front door.
Sick Cat: If they were willing to hear our case face to face like honest Cats, we’d have done that from the start! You saw the audition tapes! They didn’t even give us a chance!
Sick Cat, do you have dreams of one day being able to move properly without injury?
Sick Cat: Move PROPERLY?! I move just fine as I am! Can’t a Cat just rest when they need to? You’re lucky I’m so exhausted from dancing around the doublespeak of those bigwigs at PONOS, or I’d get up and clock ya one!
Trash Cat: …I’ve been leading light calisthenics each morning to rebuild Sick Cat’s core strength.
Have you been helping Sick Cat at all as well? And if no…why not?
Stealth Cat: I’m not a sentimental fool like Trash Cat, wasting my energy on helping a direct rival.
Trash Cat, what should the people know about the other two that might make them think twice about voting for them?
Trash Cat: We need transparency, and hiding behind a box is in opposition to that. This fractured world of Cats needs unity, which I can provide. We need a leader who is in good health to handle the trials ahead.
Stealth Cat: Transparency?! You’re one to talk with your aluminum shell, we don’t even know if you have working paws in there!
Sick Cat: Treating me like I’m dead already?! Why I oughta…
(At this point the interview ends with the OutCats fighting. We could ask no further questions)
A fight then broke out, so we could ask no more questions – but we still thank The OutCats for their time. We leave it to you, the reader, to decide which of The OutCats is most deserving. We hope this interview perhaps helped. But we’re guessing it might not have…
You can download The Battle Cats on Android (and iOS!) and pick your favourite OutCat now.
